Wonkndeso Xtreme Racer UPDATES

Zen, Danielle, Hiroshi and Marty are the four remaining racers battling for the Drift Academy master! They will let out their best in order to win. Danielle had a mobile hairstylist to fix her hair while Hiroshi and Marty had a revelation to Zen. And a new master will emerge!

Spoiler:

Wonder what will become of them?

• Zen's House = 'nuff said.
  
• Mandy's House = Mandy's house, nearby Zen's house. I will introduce Mandy later on.
  
• Small Shop = Just a small shop which sells foods, drinks, et cetera.

/!\ WARNING: Contains spoilers for next episodes /!\[/b]



[b]LEGENDS

• Brooke's House = Inside Bali Village. The map of Bali Village is currently unavailable until the next episode.
  
• Danielle's House = Danielle's house. There's not much I can say.
  
• Joanie's House = Joanie's house. Actually hers is big because her house is two storey and has a large yard.
  
• Naru's House = Naru's house. Near the paddy field.
  
• Satoru's House = Satoru's house. Just like everyone else, it has a garage.
  
• Snack Shop = A shop which sells snacks.
  
• Town Hall = This is where the socials of Fujiwara Lakeside hold their town meetings at.
  

Since you asked me to comment on your story, well, here's my *let's call it* review. so Don't take anything you read here seriously. All this is opinionated but it's good if you take these into account as well.

Plot introduction - It sounds something that came out of Need for Speed Underground 2. Although tops for uniqueness in names and setting, it doesn't give the readers that much of a clear picture. It's like saying, 'I live in Quezon City' being a Filipino but you're telling it to a Malaysian; how could he/she know where Quezon City is if he/she has never been there, for example.

I don't know how to put this but, seeing as the descriptions of Wonkndeso Xtreme racer being held in Malls, etc... it's starting to sound like something from that oldies anime about Tamiya mini 4WDs, what was that... 'Let's GO'? Well, it's your call but I suggest going for more natural areas so stick with the touge areas & wangan circuits. If you want rallies, Hokkaido is a very good example. the Other areas like malls and recreation blah, blahs... don't do much justice to your story. The forum readers here are right with one thing, you SHOULD sell yourself XD.

In terms of grammar, I hate to say it but you REALLY need to work on it. Try double checking your grammar on a more updated version of MS Word or have it grammar checked in an online grammar checking software, if there is one.

Episode 1 - There's no way a total noob of the scene starts out with a GT-R. That's just plain suicide. And an Arcade Buff as the king of the WGP? Uhm... no offense, but most contenders have to be true drivers. Ryoji claiming that he raced on a mountain pass already doesn't suffice the fact that he's still an arcade buff. There's just so little relations between real life driving and game driving, although game companies DO make their utmost best to recreate the real feeling.

Episode 2 - There's one thing I've noticed among the characters, they all have an ego. The good kind and the bad kind... Not good. There should be varying personalities and nervousness for somebody who's gonna become Emo King's next possible heir just doesn't cut it. Elicia's sudden change in personality is much too random, especially when Zen overtakes her. She shouldn't just change sides like that. To make the scrapping scene of the GT-R more realistic, it should be at least done during the race. Again, another random phenomenon. GT-R engines just don't overheat right after racing. But if you want to stick with that, I suggest you should've noted that he shifts always on the red zone, letting it stay for a second or two before he shifts. By the way, are they all driving automatics here or manual transmissioned cars? Auto cars just don't break down out of the blue, you know... I mean just like that.

Episode 3 - A random stranger helping Zen out? Utterly suspicious. And a random race between 2 strangers all of a sudden involving the lead character is another downside to this story. No offense meant. There should be a more detailed background of both Garth and Princess Mademoiselle.

Episode 4 - People just don't die from an intense punch such as that; it looks so wrong. And the emblem stone thing just turns it off from the original racing genre. And one more thing, the father should NOT have said that he has 5500. Normally, bragging about how much you have to buy something, especially in used retailers would just entice the person selling to increase the price.

Episode 5 - Math teachers don't say that they're not as smart as their students. WHat's the point of teaching younger people if you claim that you know less than them? And why would his fater just leave all of a sudden? Again, that doesn't make sense. I think it is better that you make things a bit more natural. Not so sure if I'd call this natural in your case but settling things by racing OUT OF THE BLUE just doesn't cut it... well, that's how I look at it. Again, for Shark, a sudden change of character is unnatural. All that for just a math score?

Episode 6 - no comment here. But again, the change of attitude of Zen doesn't give it much justice. Just because he won once in his 86, and that the owner says that he's destined to do something great doesn't give Zen much reason to gloat about it, especially in an unknown territory like Drift Academy.

Episode 7 - A strict teacher saying 'Let's roll' to his students after calling 3 of 22 out... it's like saying "I'll kill you but let's have a drink first". Because of the strictness of Kojiro, the students should at least show a bit of fear, now that they know how Kojiro plays his game. In the first selection, the last person to be called out is Zen; to make things a bit more intense for the hero.

Episode 8 - By the way, it's an 86 - 8,6. Eight Six. Not eighty six. That's why they call it in Japan as "Hachi roku" meaning 8-6. If it is 86, then Japs should call it "Hachi-ju-roku". Danielle changing her hairstyle and everyone making a fuss about it is not a natural scene. The race scene is quite good but... again, dialogues need to be brushed up a bit more, especially the ones during the race.

Episode 9 - Stylish drifts don't make someone faster. I think it should be a 'well-planned out attack' must best describe it. What's good about this episode is the sudden ambush race. you get pluses for that.

Episode 10 - You've done well, taking another Drivetrain's specs into account. A comparison is a best way to further continue a story. But again with the random decision making all of a sudden.

Episode 11 - Race scene only reminds me of Takumi vs Shingo. I suggest you let out less on the car collisions. And I think to introduce a bit of some characters on the paragraph is much needed. A clearer picture during the episode will give it more justice than let the readers go on a hassle to open a new tab and read the character page separately.

Episode 12 - a 6 car race is starting to sound more like Gran Turismo and a tuned S13 shouldn't be troubled by the Kei cars, and only the 86, unless Mollie's a complete pushover and all talk. Nothing wrong that I noticed here but the usuals - grammar is one.

Episode 13 - Well, it's good to showcase the BBS from the Kaido series, so I'd give you tops at that. The race? Despite the images, it's hard for me to grasp the battle. Well, for me, don't rely too much on the images. Try describing the movements of the cars by word, that'll make the readers' imagination run wild as ever to picture the battle.

Overall, here's what I think you should work on.
1. Grammar. A well planned out and grammar-correct sentence definitely would give the edge among other stories and would keep your readers intact for more. Try and use deeper and more cunning words that gives your story much more body. Try and see why Harry Potter or the Twilight series made well by book, it's the grammar that counts.
2. The storyline. It needs some work. Not every episode must revolve 100% on racing. You should at least give characters more life aside from racing. Why do you think Initial D made it this far? They have the balance between what life really is, reality, and what racing really is, the theme. The only exceptions to this rule, with Initial D as an example, is if the opponent of the hero is Good-God godlike; like the hero versus a professional like Tomo Tachi & Sakamoto, not to mention God Arm as well. A good example of balance is... take Keisuke vs Kyoko battle. The race began 3/4 way of Episode 8. There's a catch and a balance between both. Each episode doesn't only feature the battle, it must feature what spectators think of it.
3. Character Personality. Someone who started out mean, mostly, finishes up being mean at the end. The only way to show dual personalities is according to these conditions: the person who lost to the hero gives them the impression that he's like someone they knew before, or if the person who lost to the hero has no choice but to change their outlook in order to excel more.
4. Character Outlook. Not everybody in a story should be completely involved, knowledgable, or interested in one thing. There should be varying outlooks about racing. Take Bunta versus the Takahashi brothers in Initial D. THe latter sees racing as serious and that they want to become a legendary pair. Bunta, being a legend, cares less about racing and just treats it as something to kill the boredom. Takumi, especially in first stage, sees racing as a chore. Not everyone should be that addicted or close to racing. Only a selected few should NOT be knowledgable or involved in such. This gives the story balance as well.
5. The Hero. There are two kinds of heroes in a story: (a) A well talented racer who cares less about racing and simply goes on about his business. He has two destinies, with one option only: to keep his outlook on the theme as it is, or to realize his potential and make a goalfor himself. (B) A complete and utter noob whos bound to racing and but doesn't have the skills to back all those dreams up. They rely more on something, especially their car, to take them up to the top, hone their skills, and eventually make them the racer that they want to become.
6. Purpose. Not every character in a racing story races for the same purpose. They all have different motives. One may race for money, just for show, just to kill time, to become pro, reminds them of somebody they could never ever dare forget, has an obligation in it, has a mission in it, etc. This supports #4 as well.
7. Technicalities. You need more terminologies said by the characters more. Example: Fullmetal Alchemist and Fate Stay Night. Let's take the latter as an example. Each character describes their background as to why they are a servant and who are they based from. That's a technicality to you.
8. Story balance. You should at least have intermission episodes or battles not related to the hero racing fully for the entire episode. That simply ruins the story. If Kingdom Hearts 2 was straight out fighting and keyblad whacking with no storyline, it'll become boring, right? They really need to have another life aside from racing, as I said earlier.

Well, that's my review for you. Try and get more ideas from other stories, here and on [Initial D World] as to name a few. As an example in IDW, find Sanae's record winning fanfic Dreaming of Akina.

Make your story look more professional in the near future and keep levelling up!